I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
