My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
