It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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