apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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