i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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