I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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