Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
