just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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