Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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