we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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