I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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