then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Couch. On fire.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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