last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
