Swine flu. Run for my life!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
