so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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