Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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