I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
