He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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