Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
