I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
