Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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