i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Someone signed my nipple.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
