i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Im just a social blackout drinker.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
