Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
