my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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