Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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