Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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