you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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