I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
