Operation Purity has been aborted
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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