Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
