If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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