I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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