it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
