so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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