i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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