i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
