I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
