Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
