I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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