Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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