Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
