Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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