sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
