im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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