my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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