also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
