god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
