eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
