My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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