I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
