Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
