some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
